Monday, 10 June 2013
Is This Insomnia?
I'm having trouble sleeping. It is almost 2 in the AM and here I am wide awake at my computer. I have difficulty falling asleep, I toss and turn all night, and then it seems that I finally get into a fantastic sleep right when my son decides to wake up. Then I'm zombie mom until his morning nap, at which time I force myself back to sleep, and am still ready to completely pass out when the babe is done napping. I'm not really sure what to do. I think part of my problem is that I think too much, but how does one stop thinking? People tell me to meditate: breath in for five seconds, hold for five seconds, let out for five seconds. You know what I'm doing during those 15 seconds? Thinking. How about the next 15 seconds? Thinking. The 15 seconds after that? You got it: thinking. My brain is whirring about things that are currently weighing heavily on my mind and things that don't matter past the next morning. I'm contemplating, problem-solving, dreaming and scheming, worrying, and wishing I could pause life. I'm worried about my abilities as a mother if I can't function during the day because I'm too stressed out to sleep at night, and then I'm too stressed out to sleep at night because I want to be the mother my son deserves. Vicious, vicious cycle. How do I just stop worrying about things I'm genuinely concerned about? How do I stop thinking about my to-do list? How do I stop dreaming about the things we would do if we weren't broke? Now, don't you go getting all concerned here. I'm happy. I'm happy to be in my own home with my own precious family. I'm happy to have a car that is currently functioning. I am beyond happy that I have a handsome boy who makes me smile more times than I can count in a day. I am incredibly happy that I have a husband who loves me, and thinks I'm beautiful, and encourages me to follow my dreams and spoil myself. I'm happy that we can find joy in a family walk. Perhaps I need Bing Crosby's ghost to come and remind me to forget counting sheep and count my blessings instead, but then it's just more thinking. Has anybody experienced this? I am desperately tired, but far from sleepy. I'm dreading the morning, but know that I have so much to do, and I can't call in sick to motherhood. Mr. Mitchell says I need to get to bed earlier, but do you know what that means? He gets up and is out the door by 7:30am. C.G. is typically up at about 8am. We have our day and then Mr. Mitchell gets home at about 5pm while I'm making dinner. We have a small chat once dinner is ready and I scarf my food, and then I have to go pump for the kiddo while Mr. Mitchell feeds him his solids. Then I go work from 6pm-10pm. That's the earliest I can go to bed, and it means that my only interaction with my husband for the day is 15 minutes at dinner. So, naturally, I stay up late talking with him, and then we hit the sack, but my brain is still firing away and I find myself awake and writing to no one in the stupid blogosphere after 2 in the morning. What to do? What to do? I think the only reason I'm writing this is for cathartic purposes in the hope that once I post it my brain will feel release and go to sleep. Wish me luck.