4th of July

I have really started to hate blogging since moving into our new apartment. The internet connection here is painfully slow, and it takes ages for pictures to upload, and I don't like to blog without pictures. It's boring.

I decided to suffer the pain of slow uploads today so that I can post about our 4th of July before July is over. We didn't do much really because I had a sinus infection, but it was exciting all the same because it's the first 4th of July Mr. Mitchell and I have ever spent together since knowing each other. The 4th of July is also my favorite holiday outside of Christmas.

2008 - just friends and living in separate states
2009 - dating cross country (Mr. Mitchell in Alaska, me in North Carolina)
2010 - Mr. Mitchell was on a fire
2011 - I was in North Carolina nannying
2012 - our first 4th of July!!!

See? It was necessary to celebrate in some way!

We were invited to Luke and Liz's for BBQ and fireworks.

Their little boy liked the fireworks. 

Our first 4th of July.

Luke entertaining us.

I made a heart.

Scary 'M' for Mitchell.

Mr. Mitchell lost control of his sparklers.

I wish I hadn't been sick so I could've been a better participant, but all the same it was a pleasant night. Thanks Luke and Liz for having us over!

Smaller Than a Watermelon

I must begin by saying that Mr. Mitchell got stung by a bee while he was riding home from work today, and he would like your sympathies.

It's been over a month since I last talked about my expanding belly and I figured it was time to talk about it again.

26 weeks

 At 26 weeks I was feeling pretty big, but now I can see that I was being silly.

I can no longer see my toes.

My belly button.

 I took the belly button picture because I was always rather proud of my innie. It seemed perfect in every way, and for somebody who has self-esteem issues it's something worth being proud about. It's not quite an outie yet. Mr. Mitchell says that it's more like a belly button with an overbite. It's truly weird.

30 weeks.

The above is my most recent belly picture (in other words, I took it an hour ago) and it scares me a little bit that I still have 10 more weeks, at least, to go. I was told just yesterday that I look small for how far along I am, but this is the biggest I have ever been and it's getting mighty uncomfortable right quick. On the bright side: my stomach is still smaller than the watermelon in our fridge.

The babe has settled into a routine of sorts: pilates in the morning, yoga throughout the day, and jazzercise at night. Every once in awhile he'll throw in a gymnastics floor routine just to make sure I remember he's there. I love it when he's doing yoga in my stomach and I can see and feel his little body parts pressing against my stomach as he stretches.

I read in my pregnancy bible that babies cry while they're in the uterus and that just about made me cry. How can I comfort my baby if I don't even know he's crying and I can't get to him? I've been trying to forget I read that...I haven't done so well.

I had a self-esteem crisis this morning. I discovered two rather large networks of varicose veins on my legs to go with the stretch marks and fat dimples. Apparently they're the varicose veins that are strictly pregnancy related and they may or may not fade after delivery. *sigh* Hopefully my innie comes back so that I can have something to like on my body.  I also plan on working out those fat dimples, so, pray that I have the energy to do so.

At least I'm getting a baby out of all of this! Overall, we're all doing well and Mr. Mitchell and I are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our baby boy.

Chandler's Funeral

Thanks to my mom and brother I was able to make it out to Chandler's funeral. It was great to be with all of my siblings, and I'm so happy that we could all be there for Chris and Tiffany. All of Tiffany's siblings but one, who was out of the country, were also there. It was a very crowded, but very loving time.

To get out to North Carolina in the least expensive manner I had to take a red eye flight. I don't sleep very well when I'm next to a stranger so I was up for over 24 hours by the time I landed in North Carolina. Chris and Tiffany very kindly let me crash on their bed for a nap until it was time to go the family viewing of Chandler. It was a very tender time.

Chris and Tiffany and their oldest.

The rest of the day was spent driving to and from the airport to pick up family members and getting ready for the funeral. We also sang, a lot, and got a lot of comfort from that.

Garrison showing his nephew the cell phone ropes.

Singing primary songs.

Practicing the song they sang at the funeral.

They had a captive audience.

The next morning we had the viewing and the funeral. All of the brothers were pallbearers, I played the piano for Jayme and the kids to sing Give Said the Little Stream (Jayme and I were both in tears - I was glad I was at the piano and not trying to sing), Tiffany created a display, Chris and both grandpas talked about Chandler, Tiffany's sisters sang the closing hymn, and the grandmas gave the prayers. Every family member was able to be involved and it was so nice.

This little guy struggled with the funeral a little bit.

The viewing.

Tiffany's display table.

The darling video Tiffany and her sisters made.

Chandler's wagon.

Saying goodbye.

The cemetery that Chandler is buried in is located right behind the church. We were able to take a short, nice walk to the cemetery and give our final salute to Chandler via bubbles.

The pallbearers and Chandler.

  

Chris and Tiffany

Chandler's siblings.

The rest of the gang.

Pallbearers. (My brother is in jeans because the airline lost his luggage.)

Tess blowing her bubbles.

Bubbles at the cemetery.

After we took Chandler to the cemetery we had a very nice luncheon back at the church that was provided by the Relief Society. Something that helped us smile throughout the weekend, and especially at the luncheon, was playing one of Chandler's favorite games. He would randomly throw both of his arms up in the air and hold them there until everybody else put their arms up in the air.

Beautiful Tiffany.

Our food.

Some of the Holdaways.

The kids.

Some of the Murdocks.

We all went back and said goodbye to Chandler one more time for the day and then headed back to the house. We all needed some distraction so we did some historical site visits, a Krispy Kreme run, a rousing game of soccer, and more singing. For the first time in my pregnant life I got swollen this day. Not just gently swollen, but intensely swollen from my feet up to my knees. I also developed a sinus infection. I mostly did a lot of sitting with ice and tissues this day.

There was a little bit of dress-up.

Some trampoline time.

Holdaway siblings - oldest to youngest. 

My brother, Eric, and his 'apple juice.'

Soccer time - even Chris and Tiffany played.

My essentials - ice water and tissues.

The cause for the gathering was very sad, and we'll miss little Chandler and his big personality, but it was a love-filled time and I'm so grateful that I was able to be surrounded by my siblings and parents. Here are some other silly things we did while we were together.

We acted like us.

We took large group walks.
Yes. Chris is playing a banjo.

Chris and Tiffany made us breakfast.

We sat and watched them make breakfast.
In case you can't tell, I was feeling REALLY gross by this point.

We love you Chris and Tiffany! Thank you for letting all of this madness into your home.

God Works in Mysterious Ways.

I believe that God does not do things on accident, but sometimes he works in mysterious ways. I am not always sure what the purpose is behind things that happen, but I know he loves us. I want to tell you a story about a boy named Chandler, and I want you to know that I may not understand the reason why it happened, but I believe God's love can be felt throughout it. 

My brother and sister-in-law were excited to find out whether or not baby #4 would be a boy or a girl. They had debated for a while whether or not they should even try for baby #4, and once the decision was made to have another baby they were very excited for his/her coming. At the anatomy appointment, where they were to discover the sex of the baby, they also discovered that something was wrong with the baby's heart. Excitement turned to anxiety as they waited for their appointment with the specialist. 

When they met up with the specialist they discovered that their baby boy had HLHS (hypoplastic left heart syndrome). Basically, the left side of his heart did not function at all. If HLHS babies receive intervention right after birth they might make it. Unfortunately, Chandler also had something wrong with the right side of his heart, which meant intervention would be impossible. My brother and sister-in-law were told they would have a few short days with their baby after his birth, and to be prepared for his passing. 

My family fasted and prayed that things with Chandler would be okay...whatever 'okay' means in God's plan. I guess you could say we were fasting and praying for the ability to accept peacefully what may happen. About a month later, at another ultrasound, the doctors were astounded. I would call it a miracle. The right side of Chandler's heart 'magically' grew the veins that he would need to have the operation after birth that might save his life. My brother and sister-in-law chose Duke University Hospital for Chandler's delivery since there was a pediatric heart surgeon there and it's only about an hour away from where they live.  

My sister-in-law was induced and beautiful Chandler was brought into this world.

Born Sep. 16, 2010

A couple of days later they did his first surgery. Everything went smoothly and they just had to wait for him to recover.

Standard procedure requires the chest
to be left open because of swelling.

He started to look much better.

Closed up with less wires and tape.

Mom,  Dad, and visitors were able to start holding him when they came to visit.

Chandler & Mom.

A few months later, far too soon, it was time for Chandler's second surgery. If this one went well, then he wouldn't need another surgery again for a few years. I don't know all of the hairy details, but I do know that while the surgery was ultimately successful, it was not as successful as they were hoping. Apparently there were still issues with the veins on the right side of his heart. My brother and sister-in-law were once again told to be prepared for their son's passing, and he was released from the hospital.

Again, my family prayed that everything with Chandler would be okay...whatever 'okay' might mean in God's plan. Miraculously, once again, Chandler pulled through. Sadly, his body was continually struggling. During the surgery they accidentally damaged something that affected his swallowing reflex. His life depended on a feeding tube. His oxygen was regularly low and he had to be hooked up to oxygen frequently. Because of the feeding tube he wasn't able to get any tummy time to help him develop his muscles. When I finally met him he was 8 months old and still couldn't roll over or sit up on his own. 

This didn't stop him from wanting to be an active participant in his family's life.

Getting his turn with the pinata.

Practicing sitting in the Bumbo.

Playtime with Mom.

A little after his first birthday Chandler's body's struggles caught up with him. He was going to need another surgery that would determine whether or not he would make it. In January my brother and sister-in-law took him to Philadelphia for the big surgery.

Again my family prayed that everything with Chandler would be okay...whatever 'okay' means in God's plan for Chandler. We were grateful to hear that things were going well. Chandler was able to return home. He was very happy and able to go about his Chandler-business. 

At the beach.

Eating out with Dad.

A couple of days ago I got a text from my littler brother (who is living with this family as he works for them this summer) saying that my brother and sister-in-law were at the hospital with Chandler because his oxygen had drastically dropped. The next news I had heard was from my mom saying that Chandler had been sent home from the hospital with my brother and sister-in-law being told to prepare for his passing, again.

My family prayed that  Chandler would be okay...whatever 'okay' might mean in God's plan for Chandler. It felt different this time. This time it felt like a preparation. My parents were going to fly out this weekend to help comfort and support my brother's family, but then they felt very strongly that they needed to get tickets for earlier than that. They bought tickets for early Tuesday morning and were all packed and ready to go on Monday night.


On Tuesday morning I popped awake at 3:30am. This is usually because I'm hungry or having pregnant-lady bladder issues, but this time it was neither. I was awake thinking about Chandler. At 4:30am I received a text from my mom saying that Chandler was unresponsive, but breathing, and she would fill me in when they got to North Carolina that evening. My parents were able to hold and cradle Chandler that night even though he was unconscious. We recognized that there could yet be another miracle, but it didn't feel like it this time.

We were now praying that when he passed both of his parents would be by his side and that it would be peaceful. Mercifully, that is what happened.

Chandler passed away at 10:00am (Eastern Time Zone) this morning with his parents holding him. I believe God knew it would have been more than they could bear if they had found him passed away in his crib.

I'm writing this out to share for a few reasons:
It's cathartic. I've been thinking about his short, miraculous life for the past two days and I just needed to be able to spill it out. I am so glad that Chandler no longer has to struggle, but I am so very sad that my brother and sister-in-law lost a child.
It remind me to be grateful. I get a little caught up in the stretch marks I'm genetically predisposed to get and am dreading to find. I get discouraged when I see all of the varicose veins popping up left and right on my body. These things are vain and unimportant when I realize how blessed I am to be growing a healthy baby who has a high chance of making it to adulthood.
It helps me feel peace. I haven't asked, "Why, God?" because I know that he works in mysterious ways and he wouldn't do anything like this to hurt somebody. Chandler had a purpose on this earth and he has fulfilled it and he is now back with a loving Heavenly Father.

Mostly, here's to Chandler, who bravely and happily fought until his Father called him home.